FOX News Republican Debate – After Thursday night’s fiery Republican debate at The Fox Theater (no relation) in Detroit, Michigan, Ted Cruz left the building before the other candidates, to get ready. Ready for what, you may ask?
According to witnesses, Cruz was seen carrying a bag into the alley next to The Fox Theater. He pulled some street clothing out of the bag, took off his suit, put the suit in the bag, and proceeded to get dressed in the outfit that he pulled from his bag. This included a black leather jacket and a handkerchief, which he tied around his face.
Cruz’ first victim was Marco Rubio. Rubio says that he thought Cruz was a local pharmaceutical entreprenuer just looking for customers in the alley next to The Fox Theater. Rubio approached him to make a purchase. Instead of being greeted by the young professional that he first perceived, Marco was met with a knife-weilding mugger who got away with his wallet, containing some Walmart receipts and a frequent foam partier discount card.
Kasich was next. As he exited the building, Cruz waved him into the alley and demanded his underwear at knife point. Cruz sent Kasich on his way after being told that he doesn’t wear underwear.
Later, when Cruz tried to get Donald Trump into the alley, Trump’s security team purportedly pummeled him to a pulp and took his lunch money, which came to about $13 in Canadian loonies.
During the brutal beating, Mr. Trump was overheard yelling “Bitch, you think you hard? Have a little Detroit style, on me.”
It was at this point that Dr. Ben Carson, who skipped the debate, showed up and knifed Cruz in the stomach. He followed up by saying, “See? I told you! I told you, muthafucka! I told you! You blee me now? Now look at you! Where you at? Huh?”
Cruz explained to the Detroit Police that it was his campaign manager’s fault, and he would be firing him immediately.