Starbucks Releases Cookie in Support of the Confederacy

Starbucks Releases Cookie in Support of the Confederacy

In the wake of slitting thousands of innocent polar bears’ throats as part of their continuing War On Christmas, Starbucks has released a new cookie depicting a gender-neutral person wearing a shirt that mimics the Bonnie Blue flag, which was an unofficial flag of the Confederacy when the civil war began in 1861.

The Detroit Observer spoke to a representative from Starbucks’ public relations office today to get a bit of context for the move.

“We here at Starbucks want to foster an all-inclusive atmosphere for the holidays, and that includes our friends who fought so valiently against the oppressive Mr. Lincoln during the great war,” said Peggy Lee, head of PR for Starbucks.

When asked why Starbucks chose the Bonnie Blue flag, rather than the Stars and Bars or the most commonly known battle flag, Ms. Lee stated that “Starbucks likes to inform and educate, not just throw hashtags. We want to give our customers knowledge with their gimmicky, tasteless cookies. Sure, we could just put up the good ol’ battle flag that we all know and love, but, why pass up an opportunity to expand your minds? Plus, it’s a lot easier to draw with those tiny frosting squeezy things.”

Below: Starbucks leaves a trail of blood by slitting the throats of all these poor polar bears