Dan Gilbert Buys Detroit City Hall, Turns It Into a Starbucks

Dan Gilbert Buys Detroit City Hall, Turns It Into a Starbucks

Detroit – Detroiters finally have a reason to go to City Hall. In the past, Detroiters hated going to City Hall, as it was never for any reason that they enjoyed. Paying parking tickets, paying for lost property deeds, or getting their legal threats notarized was never a joyful time.

With this turn of events, downtown Detroit real estate and development impresario Dan Gilbert has added yet another Detroit landmark building to his impressive portfolio. This latest purchase is another step forward in his bid to eventually own all of Detroit, after which he plans to institute a name change from Detroit to ‘Dan Gilbert Is Your Daddy-ville’.

When Quicken Loans Founder and Chairman Dan Gilbert purchased Detroit City Hall through his real estate business, Bedrock Real Estate Services, he immediately announced his plans as to what he would be doing with the building. Instead of a daunting, scary building that was going to violate citizens’ safe spaces and trigger them by demanding payment for unpaid property taxes, or drag them into a courtroom over domestic violence, citizens can now feel safe with a warm latte and dry muffin at the largest ever Starbucks location.

Yesterday, we asked a few locals what they thought about the change.

“I like it because it means that we, as citizens of Detroit, can finally have a place to feel safe from the systematic racism and oppression of the government, who better stop gettin’ in my business over what I do with my front yard washing machine.” – Carla Smith, Detroit

“I’m tired of having to pay tickets for driving without a license and go to jail after people plant drugs in my car, so this is gonna be a great new thing for the city. Think of the children.” – Ian Ketzler, Hamtramck

“I think it’s good, ‘cuz now I can spend my $6 on a coffee instead of a water bill.” – Dave Bing, Detroit