Johnny Detroit – Detroit Observer
Washington, D.C. – As gas and food are running out in the United States of America, Americans have turned to the most popular president of all time, President Joe Biden, for hope and comfort.
In many states, citizens are forming long lines down the road at gas stations, in hope of getting the last drop of fuel they can get in their vehicles before the nation’s supply runs completely out. Many stations have already run out.
The lack of fuel means that trucks haven’t been able to transport food to grocery stores. Store shelves are near empty. Mothers can’t buy food for their children. Cat ladies can’t buy food for their cats.
On Tuesday, Americans turned for help to the most popular president in the history of civilization, President Joe Biden.
“The people have spoken, and the word of the people is my… uh, you know, the thing,” said President Biden in a press conference on the White House lawn.
“Mr. President, some are saying that your bread lines are a sign that socialism is taking over,” commented Jan Janson of the Detroit County Monitor.
The President took this opportunity to correct the misinformation about socialism, saying “C’mon, man. You’re a horse faced pony liver dog licker. These are not regular bread lines. They are Democratic bread lines. They’re like way better, Jack.”
“My name is Jan, sir…” began the reporter.
“I don’t work for you!,” interrupted PrezJo.
“I’m sorry, it’s just that you called me Jack.”
“Lookhereasdndkdoweinwetsdoinfhrmmppphh,” concluded ol’ Joe.
While the secret service was dragging Jan toward the secret underground prison, we took the opportunity to get comments from a few local citizens.
“I’m totally vibing with these Democratic bread lines. It just hits different when it’s Democratic.” – Tyler Taylor, college student
“My children, they have no food.” – Mary Washington, local mother, and probably a nazi.
We’ll update you when we run out of food.